HOLY WATER (with added Lilt)

catholic chruch
i went to a catholic church recently by mistake.

daught in church

i noticed all the holy water was running low. (either due to evaporation in hot weather or a lot of catholics needing to dowse themselves due to their sins)

volvic holy water

i thought i’d do my bit and fill up the various recepticles, using a bottle of Volic with a twist of Strawberry. Its all i had.

holy water

but the main ‘bucket’ of holy water was also running low

catholics are drinking this shit
so i popped to the newsagent and bought some Lilt. Becasue ‘The Lilt Man’ must be on a par with jesus. and its Got a Totally Tropicall Taste. So i thought it fits the Bill

catholics drink lilt
and i added that to the Holy Water too.

the lilt man is god
So if you wonder why catholics smell of Pineapple heres your answer.

HERE COMES THE THY LILT MAN!

Letter sent to The Archbishop about Gay Marriage

letter to An Archbishop

to Vincent Nichols (Head of Catholic Church in England)

Dear Archbishop.

I am not one to normally type a letter of complaint but this sickness in my stomach has prompted it.  
 
The sickening feeling stems from the fact that in the UK in the year 2012 people are still discriminated against because of  the colour of their skin or their sexually orientation or gender. (or hair colour…i’m ginger sadly)
 
I am not religious, but i’m not against people practising it aslong as they dont do harm to others. 
 
Being in a position of power, as the head of the catholic church in england, your views sadly gain a high level of exposure in the news. i believe your strong views opposing gay marriage do a lot of harm to a lot of different people.  
 
i am not a homosexual. (although my friends often call me one) but i’m not against people practising it. As long as they keep the noise down at their parties.
 
Firstly you’re discriminating against the gay community no matter how you disguise your supposed ‘more liberal’ views on homosexuality or this ‘strange survey’ you mention.
Secondly, this concept of marriage, which you claim is solely for the purpose of procreation. (there are actually a lot of couples currently in Guildford that are married not for this purpose.) The teachings of bible in the 21st century can’t be taken word for word, your holiness.  
Thirdly: you are damaging the reputation of your own church and religion in general by isolating yourself from a forward thinking society by pandering to the Vatican. The reputation of the catholic church is already quite damaged.
Fourthly and most worryingly you are promoting a ideology of intolerance. no matter what one believes, this intolerance and bigotry is extremely dangerous and i find it sickening and it has no place in the twenty first century. thank you. 
 
peace to all men. (even ones that like other mens bottoms) and women (even women that like other womens front bottoms)  
 
yours sincerely
 
Kim Noble
 
 

CHRISTIANITY (an Audio Thingy)

Prawn Facts Episode 6

4 Conversations about christianity.
including:
forgiveness for all your sins,
why god should go to Argos
& a telephone call with The Church Of England

to play click here

to play / subscribe in itunes click here

i went here so you don’t have to.

Proof that God is a homosexual and a boring lover

if Christ is a bender (he slept with william) then this photo is also proof that gay clergy should be allowed! And if, as stated on the gravestone, that William did fall asleep inside God, then that is final proof that God is shit in bed. I’ve been trying to tell people for ages that he is a boring Lover. No one believed me. God should liven things up a bit: candles, role playing, Sex toys etc etc.

GOD’S GONE TO IKEA

KIM NOBLE verses The BIBLE (a letter to richard dawkins)

Dear Richard Dawkins.

Parked outside my street is a 2006 Vauxhall Corsa.

nothing unusual in that, its not a crime..


but on the back shelf is a bible open at Proverbs 27 chapter 15, it reads :
“A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”

true enough.. but i decided to put the rest of that chapter, displayed in that evangelical automobile,  to the test…

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/15546358″ params=”show_comments=true&auto_play=false&color=ff7700″ width=”100%” height=”81″ ]

RICHARD DAWKINS! the bible fucken won.