1. half bottle of cheap pinot grigio
2. Carpenters Best of cd. (the Cd is missing)
3. smoke machine and full bottle of smoke machine fluid
4. 12 pack of condoms (each condom has been pierced with a pin)
5. pants
6. party hats and a pot noddle (they had run out of finger buffet food at Tesco’s)
After the rioting and unrest its important to get some perspective on the situation.
i got some the other night. i was in a public house toilet. and i had just finished a wee and was doing up my fly’s when i caught a bit of my foreskin in the zipper.
it was horrifically painful.
all my problems, the disenfranchised youth, rising water levels, crazed norwegian gunmen, olympic tickets …all that stuff was of no importance to me at all any more…as i stood in agony contemplating the next highly complex task of foreskin de-entanglement.
Why not forget about societies woes and try it yourself?*
*females and those males in the darkly marked areas of the map need not apply
police have the 2nd highest rate of divorce of any profession.
and they are 3 times more likely to die in their own hands than in the cause of duty.
so i decided to comfort one of them…
i was then presented with the opportunity to
discover close up what it actually felt like to be one
i initially became a power-crazied w*****, and felt i should change my name to Keith…but these feelings subsided to just wanting to arrest someone from an ethnic minority and shoot a innocent brazilian. i now earn £35,979, have a drinking problem and find interaction with people outside of the force very difficult. i hated myself before..but i hate myself even more now. move along please..nothing to see here.
The birth of a child, your Wedding day, moving into your first house with a loved one,…treasured memories
So imagine my disdain when i realised the highlight of my life happened 18 years by the pool table in the Bull & Gate, in Kentish Town.
Chesney Hawkes (he sang I Am The One And Only in which topped the charts for 5 week in 1991) was standing holding a pint of Fosters.
I was stood about 2 metres away from him.
There was only 4 people in the Pub.
Then this happened…
Chesney dropped his pint and it looked as if he had pissed himself….
There…THATS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE. (and i presume life will never again reach the joyous pleasure of that moment). CUNT.
jesus was crucified for your sins on this day a couple of thousand years back.
is it coincidence that my car stereo also got nicked today?
both me and jesus think today should be re-named BAD FRIDAY…or at least..BELOW AVERAGE FRIDAY
The protest about the build up of rubbish under my car seat brought a huge police presence, but the lack of public support was disappointing
2 MONTHS AGO
2 month ago i sat waiting for my tube.
my eye was diverted to 3 pieces of rubbish.
being eco friendly i decided to select one bit of rubbish, to recycle or dispose of in the appropriate receptacle
the object in question was a slightly used plaster.
i pictured the initial user and the pain he or she might have suffered;
i felt i couldn’t throw it away.
so i took it home. This was more than just a discarded plaster.
This was a symbol of healing, a memento of pain, an object of hope in this dark time of cuts and cut backs.
i made a little shrine for it and its user.
1 MONTH AGO
So imagine my delight when i cut myself in the kitchen chopping a potato some weeks after
and that very same plaster came in very handy.
(although I had to use a little pritt stick, it worked fine)
TODAY
and now my cut has healed, i have no more use for that plaster, and want it to have a happy home
so i am offering it to anyone who needs it.
If you want it then send me your address and i’d be happy to send it on.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you.
Its important for businesses to know their audience, who they are, where they come from.
On a blog or webpage its possible to research how people get to your site. It can give you valuable knowledge to increase ‘traffic’.
how ever readers i was quite bemused to find that on a number of days the search engine term which most people typed and found this page was : “dead woman“.
the term “shark attack” was also quite high on visitors minds who visited this page.
now i quite like dead women and i’ve never been against shark attack victims but i was alarmed that even the word “frisbee” occurred higher than that of my actual name. I FUCKEN HATE frisbee. It is just wrong and everyone who enjoys throwing a red bit of plastic around a park is a dick.
i’d like to think i cover a range of subjects but obviously people are only interested in dead women who died in shark attacks whilst playing frisbee. So from now on my blogs will focus on that niche market.
[polldaddy poll=3846760]
YOUR SUGGESTIONS SO FAR:
-Sharks attacked by zombie women
-Your existence.
-I would like you to cover customer feedback.
-Women having sex with Dead Sharks … with frisbees in there somewhere
-dead women who died from shark attacks throwing a gay bit of plastic around a park
-regrets
-yoga
-that guy who cannibalised a passenger on a canadian bus
-evolve your blog into a ‘price comparison’ website like Go Compare
-I followed you from DSI… guilty pleasures
-I want to stick my finger up my japs eye and look at that dirty cunt Lineker
-throwing dead sharks at Arsenal fans in a park
