Where did Rob Brydon Hide my fucking Life Jacket

British Airways (fucken annoying) inflight safety instructional video is presented by various panel show celebrities, a tossing chef and Mr Bean. Seems somewhat at odds with the gravity of the  point. (although Emirates use dancers and performance artists)  with So sadly your dying thoughts in an (un)likely event of an air disaster will likely be something like:

“What did Mister Bean say the brace position was”


“Where the hell did Rob Brydon say my life jacket was”


Fuk you BA.

Which Exit Is Best If You Crash Land in Croydon


in the unlikely event of your plane crashing in Croydon, i’ve made some adjustments to the in flight safety card on board the Airbus A330 to help you. During the inflight safety demo they sometimes advise that your best exit is sometimes behind you, and thats certainly the case if you need to nip to JD Sports start after a crash.


since 9/11, you can’t have fun or ‘dick about’ at airports without being given a cavity search or/and arrested. (granted, a good old cavity search can be a lot of fun).
but heres a fun game for the whole family, and it will save you valuable time or/and save you lugging those heavy suit cases an extra 125metres to the check-in or/and luggage drop off or/and passport control.


i loath those retractable barriers that make you snake up and down in predetermined routes for miles even though theres no one in the queue.




i rearranged some of the routes during a recent trip to luton airport.

(voted worst place in the world for the 14year in a row by me)



RE-arranging the barriers meant at least 20 people got to the actual counter, at least 30seconds quicker due to my ‘new route’.

IMG_3254IMG_3264IMG_3255  IMG_3257



…this man took the wrong option and ended up down one of my ‘dead ends’. i believe he missed his flight because of this delay and is still there. but as Francis Bacon (the 16th century philosopher or/and statesman) said :

“one mans folly is another mans fortune” (and visa versa). (and who wants to go to Cologne anyway)



these guys saved an extra 50metres of walking, by utilising my new formation of barriers. but then i was shouted at by a cock head in a yellow tabard who worked for Easy jet. He didn’t agree with my motives or the diagram i showed him. (see above)



why not play the RE-ARRANGE BARRIERS game yourself and form wondrous and inventive new patterns.

here are a few examples and templates you could follow.




have fun.

A Letter To The Airport Chaplin

i’m at the airport. my flight is delayed. theres no information. in a time of crisis one turns to god. i went to the airport prayer room and left the chaplin this noteIMG_1546

Fate brought me very close to these 2 ladies

…as we crossed the northern border


and then later…..


CAREFUL (and caring) DRIVING

On the open road this man pulled out, i swerved, then sounded my horn. He wound down his window, showed me the finger and said i was a 'fucken twat'. I agreed, (but i didn't agree with the signage on the car)


After being caught out over the last two years, during cold snaps & snowy conditions, local councils were quick this year in rolling out their new precautions against the big freeze. Gone are the days of train delays, airport closures, frozen roads and travel chaos…Yes its a slippery floor warning sign.

The Governments new Snow & Ice Precautions.