Happy to die

These guys always seem so contented to be killed in a horrific plane crash. i wish i was more like them.

student fees & library fines. Take action.


In light of the cunting government voting in favour of tuition fee rises & my library fine of £2.50 i found this car sticker very crass and inappropriate.



The car also had one of these ‘child on board sign’. Christ. I hate these people so much. i hope their naughty little shit gets run over today.


and to compound our nations woes, in the glove box was a Coldplay cd.


i had one of these



and some of this.


so i did this. serve the fucker a lesson. I’m anti tuition fee’s

By: TwitterButtons.com

Cuts and government cut backs (a short story)

2 MONTHS AGO

2 month ago i sat waiting for my tube.

my eye was diverted to 3 pieces of rubbish.

 

being eco friendly i decided to select one bit of rubbish, to recycle or dispose of in the appropriate receptacle

the object in question was a slightly used plaster.


i pictured the initial user and the pain he or she might have suffered;

 

i felt i couldn’t throw it away.

so i took it home. This was more than just a discarded plaster.

This was a symbol of healing, a memento of pain, an object of hope in this dark time of cuts and cut backs.

i made  a little shrine for it and its user.

 

 

1 MONTH AGO

So imagine my delight when i cut myself in the kitchen chopping a potato some weeks after

 

and that very same plaster came in very handy.

(although I had to use a little pritt stick, it worked fine)

TODAY

and now my cut has healed, i have no more use for that plaster, and want it to have a happy home

so i am offering it to anyone who needs it.

If you want it then send me your address and i’d be happy to send it on.

NOTES (from the country)

PART 1)

3.2% of sheep are black Caribbean, black african, black other or mixed


There are 31 sheep in this field.
1 of these sheep is black, the rest are white.
Remarkably this is the exact percentage given by National statistics Online of percentage of Mixed/Black african/ Black Caribbean /black other, living in the UK.
Incredible.
These statisitics are taken from a census of 2001 and ignores the lone sheep in the lower field whom i suppose is gay or some other minority group.

PART 2)

PART 3)


Carvans have the most ridiculous names.
These are Carvans, not superhero’s from a crap hollywood comedy film with Ben Stiller.
These are 6 sides of metal, that sit in fields in crap english campsites in the pooring rain. Inside a pissed loveless northern couple sit staying at a blank scrabble board, while there fucked up 7 year old daughter shits into the sink. And that is the high light of the fucken year. Then the carvan holds up every other tosser on the motorway home.

Real carvan names include:
Ace Pioneer
Clubman Lunar
Crystal Sprint
Swift Conqueror
Meteor
Pegasus

hmmm……

THATS ALL… (for now…now go back to lives…its better out there, than in here)

my wabshit

The last man i speak to.


I flew home from montreal. A 7 Hour flight.
On the plane one is confronted with the distinct possibility of death or horrific injury.

do i put my life vest on if we crash into a mountain

Of the 2 options on the inflight safety card, i would chose 'B

I was sat next to this man. If the plane had crashed, it would have been him with whom i shared my last moments. i wondered if he would have helped me on with my lifejacket, as i’m no good at knots. He looked so peaceful as we sped through the air at 40,00 feet, in a lump of steel, so i didn’t wake him to ask. As the plane plumpeted toward the atlantic i would have taken his hand and put it to my chest and told him about sheena and whispered some lyrics by Hall & Oates into his ear.

i wonder if he belongs to the mile high club. Christ you can hardly swinging a cat in there, let alone get a hand job. If he had asked me i would have turned once again to Hall & Oates…”And I’ll do almost anything, that you want me too…but i can’t have sex with you in an aeroplane toilet as we face impeding death…i can’t go for that…no can do.”

i struggle to feel romantic in a piss covered cubicle at 40,000 ft

KIM NOBLE : Where comedy comes from

I was recently asked during a shit radio interview in Liverpool, where humour comes from.

WORDS ON TOP OF A SINGLE DECKER BUS

i saw this reference number on top of a bus roof.
Another passed with the reference : GAG M1247
and then another : GAG ME4543

Is there a huge gag and joke database in the sky that God can look down on and reference when he needs cheering up…

my webcrap

KIM NOBLE : Who would you like to die with in a lift?

This is how the emergency signs should read.

A truthful lift sign

[polldaddy poll=3128616]

RESULTS NEXT WEEK.

KIM NOBLE ON: Love Affairs and murder.

A lady writes a text on the underground:

“Gav. I think Sara is going to be fine. I spoke to her. She knows. She is upset but OK. Luv you.”

Thats what the text said. I feel sorry for you Sara. Where-ever you are Sara…I am thinking about you.

On your behalf Sara i thought i could push the texting lady on to the rails.

but I don’t know the backstory…and i remember during a session of relationship counselling i had some years back it was noted that i re-act without knowing the whole picture. So i didn’t take any action this time. This time.

In my head this is how i imagine you Sara.

SARA

And its a relief to see you looking so happy now and hopeful have put ‘the incident’ to the back of your mind.

Take Care Sara. Whoever you are.x

My Wab SHit