Kim Noble on : Boycott GangBangs in Halfords & I hate Gingers

I love my car. I’ve gone to Portsmouth and back inside her. I’ve kissed insided her. I’ve transported an ikea flat pack table inside her. i’ve masterbated in the car park at morrisons inside her. Shes a little sluggish on motorways but great around the city.

so it was heart breaking to see the one i love get touched up and fingered by some ginger cunt who works at Halfords.

and then horror turned to disgust when i saw 3 black men, none of whom were wearing protection rooting around inside this poor slag.

I have decided to boycott this abhorrent firm and i beg you to do the same.
This is the genuine email I sent to Halfords.

I await a reply.

me web

Deleted Scene: Toy Story 3 & REVIEW

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN1BzFm0YDU&fs=1&hl=en_US&border=1]

Toy Story 3     MY REVIEW

Animated human kids always make me want to punch a real one and there were far too many in this film. Andy has turned into a right fucken soft twat. Christ if he was my son (yes i realise that does mean actually sleeping with a lady)..i’d try to get him put down. But a fantastic build and a brilliant filmic climax….if only the bosses at pixar would have let all the characters die as they plunged to certain death…it would have been the best film ending ever made…

(4 cocks out of 6.3)

me

NOTES (from the country)

PART 1)

There are 31 sheep in this field.
1 of these sheep is black, the rest are white.
Remarkably this is the exact percentage given by National statistics Online of percentage of Mixed/Black african/ Black Caribbean /black other, living in the UK.
Incredible.
These statisitics are taken from a census of 2001 and ignores the lone sheep in the lower field whom i suppose is gay or some other minority group.

PART 2)

PART 3)

Carvans have the most ridiculous names.
These are Carvans, not superhero’s from a crap hollywood comedy film with Ben Stiller.
These are 6 sides of metal, that sit in fields in crap english campsites in the pooring rain. Inside a pissed loveless northern couple sit staying at a blank scrabble board, while there fucked up 7 year old daughter shits into the sink. And that is the high light of the fucken year. Then the carvan holds up every other tosser on the motorway home.

Real carvan names include:
Ace Pioneer
Clubman Lunar
Crystal Sprint
Swift Conqueror
Meteor
Pegasus

hmmm……

THATS ALL… (for now…now go back to lives…its better out there, than in here)

my wabshit

REVIEW *1 : INCEPTION

Its strange to commence a piece of writing with the phrase ‘words fail me’ and then go on to use words to describe something. but in this case I’m not going to. what I’m going to do, is say: “Inception, words fail me’ then I’m going to make myself vomit into a jar and drink it, vomit it up and drink it again…I will repeat this for over 2 hours 30 minutes, the time it took me to watch that ‘absolute shite’ (my intial review I used as I left the cinema)

The group of nobs in an office that came up with that “oh so trying to be clever..but ended up absolute nonsense” screenplay should be shot.
And to save you time and money in the end it was either 1) all a dream 2) a set up for an even worse sequel.
To the ‘friend’ that suggested we go…you’re a fucken bitch.

(1 out of 18 cocks..because it made me want to kill again and thats no bad thing)

my wibwab

NOTES from the library

1)

This was the book left at my table in the library..

it had a page marker left under D’d for boys with the name DUNCAN encircled. The book says Duncan means brown. If ever i have a child, i now feel obliged to call it Duncan.

2)

3)

in the toilet in the library a pubic hair was left in the washbasin

someone must have left it there by accident.

i drew a picture of it

I left this note in this book.

( I hear cases of downsyndome are on the rise…so it must be a popular book…thus the note will reach a large audience..and hopeful the disappointed owner will be re-united with their hair)

thats all

The last man i speak to.

I flew home from montreal. A 7 Hour flight.
On the plane one is confronted with the distinct possibility of death or horrific injury.

I was sat next to this man. If the plane had crashed, it would have been him with whom i shared my last moments. i wondered if he would have helped me on with my lifejacket, as i’m no good at knots. He looked so peaceful as we sped through the air at 40,00 feet, in a lump of steel, so i didn’t wake him to ask. As the plane plumpeted toward the atlantic i would have taken his hand and put it to my chest and told him about sheena and whispered some lyrics by Hall & Oates into his ear.

i wonder if he belongs to the mile high club. Christ you can hardly swinging a cat in there, let alone get a hand job. If he had asked me i would have turned once again to Hall & Oates…”And I’ll do almost anything, that you want me too…but i can’t have sex with you in an aeroplane toilet as we face impeding death…i can’t go for that…no can do.”

America

The Statue of Liberty. An iconic symbol of America and freedom. Seeing it made me jealous. if only i could be such a symbol

sadly the experiment failed.

say a prayer for Celine Dion

i visited a church in montreal. Tour guide was so proud to announce that Celine Dion got married here.

i took a moment to light a candle for her….i prayed for her…

the candle cost $1. i felt bad that all my thoughts were dedicated to one person so…

and while i was there i also lit a candle and prayed for…

Elton John..

Vanilla ice…godbless you

Phil Collins…i once bought your album

britney..this flame is for you

Peter Andre…i hope your relationships and child custody case goes well

Bryan Adams

Chesney Hawks…a moment for you.

and to the entire group of ‘Westlife’….

In total i lit 68 candles…

(i can only apologise if i’ve left any other tossers out of my thoughts….let me know and i’ll do my best to make it up to you)

my webshites

Montreal

theres a man* over there somewhere who obviously hated my show. (he made his feelings known at the end of the performance). If you are him then email at this address : info@mrkimnoble.com and i’d be happy to give you:
a) a refund
b) a call so that you can discuss the evening in full
c) a hug
d) an hour of my life (as you gave to me) to come round your house/apartment and generally tidy up.

*i use the singular but i am fully aware this should may be plural.

my montreal performances

I feel Sad, alone and depressed. (but at least i have this)

Today i have only cried once. A dramatic improvement on yesterday.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAQ7RXnwE0k&hl=en_US&fs=1]

my websito